Why is it that we spend our youth wishing to stay at home or having free time, and when we get old and get that time, being unemployed and such, we feel bad? It's a contradictory life you know.
When I was younger I wanted to be at home all the time, watching TV, in bed, eating cookies or something! Now when I stayed home for not getting a job, for like, 4 months or something... I got depressed. The feeling of being a burden came back, the feeling that I was useless, and something was wrong with me, showed up and lingered in my mind for a looooong time. And I got sad. I got mad. I lashed out. Made people sad and mad. And I got empty.
That was how I felt, and I bet many of you do too.
The rush you get when you receive your paycheck, and are able to pay for everything you spend and then some, without justifying it to someone else is the best!! And you feel happier, because you are not a burden to anyone anymore and you can become a help instead, a lifeboat! Helping others, being useful is the best feeling I get, it makes me happy, full of energy, and fulfilled. I feel like I have more of me, more to give, more to find out. I feel whole.
Until you start feeling useless even at work. Until people throw at you that you didn't earn that position, you got lucky. Until they say you are not cut out for that. Until they bring you down again.
Then, the emptiness comes back. The nothingness you are.
Then you lose yourself again, and go back to being that little girl, fresh out of college, with your dreams crushed.
"You do nothing right."
"You are a burden."
"You are useless."
"No one needs or wants you."
"Disappear."
That's all you hear. Even if they don't mean it, that's all you hear, all you see in their eyes. Your uselessness.
But that's not true! You just need a change, a reinvention, a new way to help and to energize yourself!
You just need to look. Look without negativity, look without pessimism, look over yourself!
You will find it. I know you will.
Just like I will. Just keep looking..
