Weight of life

Sometimes I want to write everything, everything in my mind and in my heart! I feel that by putting it to writing I will relieve the weight of the emotions, and the happenings. But it also makes it more real. More out there. More true. And I am scared of that. Of a lot of things really.

And I don't see like that. The kind of person to get scared of.. life! People around me do ask me if I am ever afraid of something, because I make myself hardened and strong to carry on, that they see normality in that! But I am actually frail, sensitive, scared of a lot of things. Like change. Change of scenery, change of people, change of purpose, all change.

I ended college and am now waiting to start a real job, with family, and that scares me. I am changing back to my old life, and that scares me. I am seeing my dreams disappearing in a blink of an eye.. And guess what? I am really scared, and sad, and disappointed mostly. This because what I wish for isn't even that bad of a thing! Or hard! But I guess I change myself in to a hard person, just to conceal that from everyone else. And from me.

I get so frustrated I end up lashing out on people around me, people I love. People I care about. People that don't deserve this! So I try to isolate myself as much as possible. Because I am scared. Of causing pain, more of feeling it. But I know that complete isolation is bad as well as impossible! So I just leave it to them to find me. I will be there all times when I can. Even if I'm scared.

There is no point on dwelling in the fear, I will always be bigger than he is. Even if I'm 5ft tall! I believe I can do it, despite of fear, I'm a relentless positivist! But somethings it gets me. Sometimes it wins, and lays me to waist. But mostly I win, and I won't give up, I won't give in to it, I will remain strong, or so I convince myself. And that works. I guess.